Let’s Talk About Hard Memories
It happens all the time, doesn’t it? We are going about our business & all of a sudden, a memory is triggered. When you’ve walked through abandonment & betrayal at the hands of your spouse, these triggered memories can be intruders, forcing their way to the forefront of your mind.
My husband left me nine years ago. Since then, I’ve been confronted with countless memories—most carrying echoes of sadness, shame, confusion, nostalgia or dread. I wasn’t prepared for the need to question the REALITY of those moments as I reflect back. So often deception, hidden behaviors, and twisting of truth were happening behind the scenes, and I was completely unaware in the moment. There are incidents of hurt that now make sense. I can now see that much of my self-blame was actually misplaced. There are explanations today that I didn’t have at the time.
On top of that, there is the pain of wondering if what I was feeling in those moments was real. Was my love true? Was that joy fake? Was the love I felt I was receiving a figment of my imagination?
These are hard questions to face! We can drive ourselves mad as we analyze and sort through old memories. I’m not very far down the road, but here are some helpful steps I’ve learned along the way:
Acknowledge the memory (and attached emotion) is real. It really did happen.
Lament your pain and confusion.
Remember that God was with you, knows reality and understands everything you were feeling and thinking.
Lay this heavy memory-burden down at His feet and leave it there with Him.
Pray and ask God to neutralize this memory—to remove the sting & the pain.
Ask God to help you forgive if needed.
Fix your mind instead on “whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable…excellent or praiseworthy”(Phil 4:8).
Reach out to a trusted friend or mentor and ask for prayer, help and accountability with your thought life
Memories can sting, but God is stronger and can help us walk forward with peaceful minds, stayed on Him.
And while many memories do sting and hurt, sometimes memories creep in that remind me of things I really loved. A park with a favorite scenic walk. A restaurant with a birthday meal I waited to devour every year. A vacation spot that felt like magic. A movie theatre with the comfiest seats and the best popcorn.
If a little ache rises up in you when you experience bittersweet memories and you wish you could see that view or taste that pasta or visit that place again, but you’ve not been back since you were with your ex-husband and are fearful of how you might be triggered, I get it! I’ve been there. Sometimes we lay aside places—and even people—because we dread they might bring up hard feelings.
Can I share something that has helped my daughters and me so much over the years?
We’ve made a conscious decision to REWRITE MEMORIES. We’ve decided to choose brave (on a day where we feel steady), to return to those parks, restaurants, relationships, vacation spots—and we choose to make new memories there.
On the first visit, sometimes we have to pause and grieve. Lots of tears have been shed along these familiar paths. But in time, and on repeat visits, we start to laugh again. We choose to try again. We have decided to write new memories in hard places. This has been one of the most impactful parts of our healing journey. Sometimes we’ve brought friends along if we need a bit of emotional support. Sometimes it doesn’t click or feel good there anymore, and that’s ok! We tried again, and that’s what matters.
In this way, we don’t live in denial that previous memories happened in that space. We acknowledge them. We grieve them. But then we bravely choose to move forward, trusting God to help us find peace, and sometimes even joy, in hard places. After all, He’s a God who delights in rewriting beauty from ashes…
P.S. — That sweet little blue cottage in the photo is my dear Grandma’s lake house in Michigan, where I spent most of my summers growing up. This is one of those places where I’ve had to do the most work rewriting memories…