Dear Wife Who Finds It Hard to Forgive

“But what if he doesn’t deserve forgiveness?”

“How on earth do I forgive someone who has done horrific things to me?”

“Where do I start when there is nothing within me that feels able to (or let’s be honest, really wants to…) forgive?”

I hear these questions all the time. And I get it. I really, really get it. Forgiveness feels like the most unfair, unnatural, and impossible step after marital betrayal and abandonment. Why do you think forgiveness lands so painfully on broken hearts? 

When it comes to my own heart, it’s usually because my perspective is out of alignment. Typically, either my view of myself, my offender, God, or his commands is skewed. Honestly, it’s usually all of the above. 

I think too highly of myself. 

I think too lowly of my offender. 

I think too narrowly of God. 

I think too proudly about his commands.

If just one of those lines of thinking is present, the ship crashes, and I’m adrift at sea—drowning in bitterness and resentment. 

Oh, how desperately I need Jesus. He is eternally, unfathomably, merciful. And I am so far from that. I am tight-fisted, quick to anger, haughty, and meager when it comes to loving my enemies. He is abundant, patient, humble, overflowing with faithful love. 

And so I pray, Jesus, change my heart. Make me and mold me to look more like you. I can’t get there without you. Soften the hardened edges. Correct my vision. Recreate my heart. Humble me. Fight for me so I can be still. Teach me what enemy-love looks like. You know it well, for you opened wide your loving arms to me when I was so far off. 

Friends, this is hard stuff, isn’t it? This is the kind of faith-stretching we never asked for and certainly never wanted. Luke 6 (and many other passages) rubs against the grain of our hearts, our culture, our experiences. It’s hard to swallow. If I could pluck it out of the Bible, I would in a heartbeat. But it’s there–in black and white: 

Love your enemies, 

do what is good to those who hate you, 

bless those who curse you, 

pray for those who mistreat you.

…Be merciful, just as your Father is merciful. (Luke 6)

What will we do with these words and the One who spoke them? 

Oh for grace to love and obey…